{"id":356274,"date":"2024-04-02T19:12:47","date_gmt":"2024-04-02T18:12:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.gaytimes.co.uk\/?p=356274"},"modified":"2024-10-22T16:46:15","modified_gmt":"2024-10-22T15:46:15","slug":"when-is-it-too-soon-to-say-i-love-you-if-youre-also-a-lesbian","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.gaytimes.com\/love-sex\/when-is-it-too-soon-to-say-i-love-you-if-youre-also-a-lesbian\/","title":{"rendered":"When&#8217;s too soon to say \u201cI love you\u201d if you\u2019re also a lesbian?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In her column DYKE DRAMA, GT\u2019s own &#8220;sapphic Carrie Bradshaw&#8221; unpacks the validity of fleeting relationships.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>words by <strong>ANYA SCHULMAN<br \/>\n<\/strong>art by <strong>Margaritis Georgios (before 1842)<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.gaytimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/DD2_V2.png\" \/><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I just watched 15 minutes of <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Bachelor<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2019s recent season to see if Maria really is that hot (she is) and then listened to \u201cKissing In Swimming Pools\u201d by Holly Humberstone, which of course made me think about the <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.gaytimes.co.uk\/originals\/in-a-world-of-lesbian-drama-can-my-situationship-be-my-valentine\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">aforementioned<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> London Girl. The song came on when I was helping her pack up her life to move 3,459 miles away, two weeks into us knowing each other, and I did cry when she left. (She said, \u201cIt\u2019s the song.\u201d)\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">bell hooks taught us that love is a verb, but <\/span><strong>when is it too soon to call something \u201clove\u201d if lesbian relationships are notorious for growing faster than Renesmee?\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The jury is out on London Girl (the jury being: people I\u2019ve kissed who are now my friends). But from my experience, here is an incomplete list of things that are easy to mistake for \u201clove\u201d as a lesbian:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Helping assemble furniture<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Helping move apartments<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Buying you a Meredith Marks branded caviar spoon<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">That floating feeling where everything is brighter and somehow minor inconveniences don\u2019t matter because you feel a sense of hope about the world in spite of It All<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The way they smell\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Crying so much in public you get a free smoothie from the Juice Press by your DBT group<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A single, sustained look exchanged where you know exactly what the other is thinking\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Grabbing your wrist with a sense of purpose<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Even though most of these things are verbs, I\u2019m <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">pretty<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> sure now that they are not love. I always joke that lesbian time is like dog years. One moment can stretch to eternal when you\u2019re savoring every second of them. Or, at least, the thought of them.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Last June, I was seeing another girl, a Summer Girl, whose bed I was laying in at 3 am, very drunk, holding her hand, again crying (I\u2019m a Pisces rising, okay?), because I\u2019d just seen my ex with a new girlfriend who kind of looked like me at the Dyke March, an ex who told me a few months prior she \u201cneeded to be alone for a while.\u201d Summer Girl was trying to make me feel better by saying I\u2019d loved Winter Girl. I said No, it was impossible to love someone I\u2019d only dated for a short amount of time. But Summer Girl insisted. If you\u2019re still following this, you\u2019re gay.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Where it felt melodramatic to assign the word \u201clove\u201d to this person, it also felt fair to attribute plain heartache to love lost. I didn\u2019t love Winter Girl. But after Summer Girl left, I looked at a picture of us on my phone and realized it might be the happiest I\u2019ve ever looked. Being that happy makes you look substantially hotter in an untraceable way. Next time I\u2019m taking a solo shot.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p>I always joke that lesbian time is like dog years. One moment can stretch to eternal when you\u2019re savoring every second of them. Or, at least, the thought of them.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote><p><strong>To start at the end, lesbian relationships tend to break up by one of the three classic curses:<\/strong> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">avoidance, distance, and someone changes their mind at the two month mark but has a whole girlfriend the next time you run into them.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A misplaced and generally premature mention of \u201clove\u201d is arguably the fourth lesbian curse. But straight people say it after roughly two months on <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Bachelor <\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">all the time, with the whole roster staying under one roof. Sure, the contestants face their fair share of skepticism, but everyone generally believes them. So why not extend the same empathy to ourselves that society does to ABC\u2019s glossiest funemployed singles?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Summer Girl ended things with me via text a few days after a trip upstate that was her idea. In the weeks leading up to the end, I wondered if she made a fair point: \u201cDoes love have to be sustained in order to be real?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>It\u2019s in queer people\u2019s nature to experience brief and intense relationships with what some might call \u201calarming frequency.\u201d<\/strong> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">To me, the feelings we experience within these entanglements aren\u2019t any less valid than what your married or deeply committed friends have shared, especially if those feelings are what currently qualify the entirety of your lived, romantic experience. Forget the therapists on TikTok telling you it&#8217;s harder to get over something that lasted a short amount of time because you\u2019re \u201cgrieving the possibility\u201d and left with unanswered questions. This is true. But as we indulge ourselves in a little ABC emotion today, I\u2019ll venture to say that just because something burns fast doesn\u2019t mean it can\u2019t be meaningful or formative.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.gaytimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/DDInarticle.png\" \/><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Now feels like a good time to tell you I\u2019ve never told anyone \u201cI love you.\u201d The thing is, feeling a jolt of love is entirely different than saying \u201clove\u201d to someone. The second you say it, you apparently have to keep love alive until it dies, or you do. Maybe that\u2019s why saying it is so terrifying. Feeling it comes with fresh material for maladaptive daydreams. But saying it comes with responsibility.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Telling someone you love them after less than a week is either going to result in complete disaster or one of the best days of your life. I have some couple friends who said it the sixth day they were dating and they\u2019re still together. I\u2019ve also heard you should give people three months to uncover your potential partner\u2019s lasting behavior. But if we\u2019re applying gay math within the physics of queer velocity, then maybe six weeks isn\u2019t too soon to say you\u2019re in love.<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Fast-burn queer love, even if doomed, is more authentic to me than most attachments you can find in a <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Love is Blind<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> pod or in a <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Bachelor<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> mansion, at the very least.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Context matters, too. Someone said \u201cI love you\u201d to me once in a crowded bathroom at a club that used to host a party called \u201cClam Jam.\u201d I knew better than to take it to heart. We were\u2026 otherwise occupied so everything said then and there had to be taken with a generous crystal of Maldon Salt. But I laughed and said, \u201cyou said it first.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Which means, if you were using your deductive reasoning skills, we were both thinking it. And we kind of knew we both were thinking it. The beginning feeling is so intoxicating (as is the sex vortex that follows), which makes it hard to imagine how time-tested love could feel much better, closing us off to the danger of passing time.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>I\u2019ll stipulate that we, dykes, cannot fear time.<\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> When things work out, whatever \u201cworking out\u201d means, time is an essential ingredient to the most profound relationships of our lifetime, romantic or otherwise. Time brings us beyond the agonizing superstition of \u201cmaybe.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p>Now feels like a good time to tell you I\u2019ve never told anyone \u201cI love you.\u201d The thing is, feeling a jolt of love is entirely different than saying \u201clove\u201d to someone. The second you say it, you apparently have to keep love alive until it dies, or you do. <\/p>\n<\/blockquote><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But maybe we, the dykes who survive ex after ex, are entitled to the privilege of calling it whatever we want, what it felt like, no matter how long it lasted. And for those few golden weeks or months we were the center of someone\u2019s life, their conversations with their friends, their phone, their thoughts.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you find yourself returning to those moments where anything felt possible, where you remembered what a January without seasonal depression felt like, even though the finer points of those memories fade quick and fast, I don\u2019t know what to call that other than some kind of love. Even if it was just a possibility, that in and of itself is so rare it should count.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And if you\u2019re brave enough to say it, well, maybe wait until week seven, which is basically a year in Gay Time. <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In her column DYKE DRAMA, GT\u2019s own &#8220;sapphic Carrie Bradshaw&#8221; unpacks the validity of fleeting relationships. words by ANYA SCHULMAN art by Margaritis Georgios (before 1842) I just watched 15\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7546,"featured_media":356282,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"templates\/feature.php","format":"standard","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[19144,531],"tags":[644],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v21.6 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>When is it too soon to say \u201cI love 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