sexual freedom<\/a> might be to find the best dating app for non-monogamous folks and get swiping, there\u2019s actually a lot more to figure out. Luckily, we\u2019ve called in the experts.<\/p>\nWhat is an open relationship?<\/h3>\n
An open relationship can refer to a number of relationship styles, wherein people are free to date, have sex, and\/or form romantic relationships with multiple people. Open relationships fall under the umbrella of non-monogamy, though don\u2019t necessarily all look the same.<\/p>\n
Dr Liz Powell, a licensed psychologist specialising in non-traditional relationships and author of Building Open Relationships<\/em>, explains that the majority of us approach dating with a relationship style \u201cbased in ownership and control and entitlement and assumptions.\u201d Open relationships challenge these ideas, encouraging us to build relationships based on \u201cclear communication and empowerment and autonomy and agency.\u201d<\/p>\nThere are lots of terms you might come across in the process of opening up your relationship. Here are a few key ones to get you started:<\/p>\n
\n- Monogamy: having a romantic and\/or sexual relationship with just one person at any time.<\/li>\n
- Non-monogamy (also known as \u2018ethical non-monogamy\u2019 or ENM, or \u2018consensual non-monogamy\u2019 or CNM): having the potential to date or have romantic and\/or sexual relationships with more than one person at any time, with the knowledge of everyone involved.<\/li>\n
- Polyamory: a form of non-monogamy with emphasis on having the freedom to form intimate connections with multiple partners.<\/li>\n
- Hierarchical polyamory: a form of polyamory where the couple are considered the \u2018primary relationship\u2019 and additional romantic and\/or sexual relationships they form are \u2018secondary\u2019.<\/li>\n
- Open relationship: a form of non-monogamous relationship where you and your partner or partners are free to date or form romantic and\/or sexual connections with new people.<\/li>\n
- Metamour: a partner of one of your partners.<\/li>\n
- Compersion: the joy you can feel for your partner\u2019s happiness with or excitement about another partner or relationship.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
With many of these terms, exact definitions differ so it\u2019s important to understand that fluidity is part of the equation. For example, there is no precise moment where an open relationship becomes a polyamorous one \u2013 feelings, and situations, can change and commitments can escalate.<\/p>\n
Expectations also vary from person to person: two individuals doing non-monogamy might have relationships and boundaries within those relationships that look completely different. Unlike in the monogamous world, where there is more of a consensus around certain milestones or models of behaviour, there is no \u201cright\u201d way to open up your relationship.<\/p>\n
That said, communication and clearly stating what you want and being as transparent as possible \u2013 even when it\u2019s scary, and even when you feel like you\u2019re stating the obvious \u2013 are key whenever it comes to non-monogamy.<\/p>\n
Myths about open relationships<\/h3>\n
While there is an increased awareness of non-monogamy, mainstream media depictions of open relationships rarely reflect the reality of what those relationships can look like. As Dr Powell points out, it\u2019s not all sex parties and orgies \u2013 the reality is that non-monogamous folks are \u201cspending a lot of time on Google Calendar and a lot of time processing.\u201d<\/p>\n
Open relations involve a lot less threesomes than you might imagine and a lot more scheduling. In fact, Keely, who is 27 and non-monogamous, says that it\u2019s a lot more boring than people make it out to be \u2013 but in a good way! Dr Powell explains that if you don\u2019t want to talk about your feelings a lot, you might not be suited to an open relationship. \u201cNon-monogamy is just a ton of talking about your feelings. You will talk about your feelings endlessly, because you’re going to have so many people with whom you\u2019ll need to talk about your feelings.\u201d<\/p>\n
Talking of feelings, there is also a misconception that people who do non-monogamy don\u2019t experience jealousy. Sarah (who is 34 and polyamorous) says that unpicking the ways we have been socialised to think about love, sex and relationships doesn\u2019t \u201cmagically make every anxious or jealous feeling disappear, but it will give you tools to deal with them.\u201d Indeed, experiencing those emotions does not mean you are \u2018failing\u2019 at an open relationship \u2013 Sarah says that hard feelings are \u201cnormal and valid.\u201d<\/p>\n
Opening your relationship may bring connections you are not expecting. Jo, who is 44 and describes her relationship style as slightly hierarchical, has found her community through polyamory. Not only that, but your relationships do not have to be equal, or treated equally \u2013 just fairly. As Jo discovered: \u201cEach of my partners brings something very different to my life, and my role in each of their lives is unique.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNon-monogamy isn\u2019t a plaster you can stick over issues in your relationship, it\u2019s an entirely new relationship that requires work and care\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>
Negotiating an open relationship<\/h3>\n
While talking to your partner is essential for both monogamous and open relationships, \u2018communicate!\u2019 is advice that is easy to give and much harder to actually do. Where do you even start with negotiating an open relationship? Often, the process of deciding to be non-monogamous with a partner isn\u2019t the most difficult bit \u2013 it\u2019s defining what your new relationship will look like and ensuring that all parties have a common understanding of the types of assurances and freedoms they will need in order to make it worthwhile.<\/p>\n
An exercise Dr Powell recommends to couples who want to open their relationship is to \u201ctake everything about your relationship, lay it out and decide what you actually want.\u201d This can be a process of writing down \u2013 on paper or on your Notes app \u2013 the practices, standards and fun couple activities that will ensure you will feel safe to explore. Powell advises couples to do this separately, so people don\u2019t just make choices based on what they think their partner wants. In an exercise like this, it\u2019s important to check in with yourself and be honest about what you want.<\/p>\n
For Sarah and her nesting partner, their first step was to discuss what they needed, wanted, and didn\u2019t want. \u201cWe discussed safer sex practices, scheduling of dates versus time for us as a couple, what we thought we would want to hear or not hear about the other\u2019s relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s important to schedule in solo time as well, rather than keeping your schedule jam-packed with time with a partner or out dating. Powell says that due to how pervasive mononormativity (the presumed social default of monogamy) is, couples often have an assumption that \u201cany time that their partner does not have other plans is automatically time that they are entitled to or that their partner will want to spend with them.\u201d<\/p>\n
Powell advises couples to plan for what they will do if their partner has a date and they don\u2019t have plans. \u201cThere’s this tendency to try to have something fun scheduled whenever your partner has a date, but if one person’s thing falls through, the other person still has to figure out how to deal with it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Breaking up to build new relationships<\/h3>\n
When opening up your relationship, Powell says it can be helpful to think of it \u201cas though your previous relationship is ending, you’re breaking up, and you are starting an entirely new relationship with non-monogamy at its core.\u201d This allows you to start from scratch, and decide what you want your relationship to look like, rather than what the traditional relationship escalator says it \u201cshould\u201d look like.<\/p>\n
One of the biggest mistakes couples can make when opening their relationship is simply not unpacking mononormativity. Jo thinks it is important not to get \u201cbogged down in the minutia of \u2018rules\u2019, but make sure you understand what \u2018opening up\u2019 looks like to each of you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Keely and their partner initially drew up rules that they would both to follow if either of them saw another person, but they found that \u201cthe first few times my partner saw new people, we found that the initial rules we\u2019d outlined for interactions were not realistic, and we had to reassess how to make the arrangements feel okay to everyone.\u201d<\/p>\n
And while the idea of your partner developing feelings for someone else is also scary, Powell thinks that making rules about having sex but not being allowed to have feelings rarely works in reality. \u201cAs humans don’t tend to be particularly great at being able to not develop feelings for someone with whom we have a close connection.\u201d<\/p>\n
https:\/\/www.gaytimes.co.uk\/culture\/homoflexible-feeld-dating-app\/<\/p>\n
Emotional risks and vulnerability<\/h3>\n
Increased risk of STI transmission often comes up when discussing the challenges of non-monogamy. However, research in 2015<\/a> found that while having an increased number of sexual partners increases the potential for STI transmission, people engaged in non-monogamy were more likely to use condoms during sex and more likely to get tested for STIs regularly, so the risk level wasn\u2019t found to be greater.<\/p>\nAdditionally, Powell believes that anxiety about STI risk is often misplaced. \u201cThe majority of the time when people say that what they’re upset about is STI risk, what they’re actually upset about is emotional risk.\u201d They believe that people tend to move towards not using barriers with partners because we care about them, not because they have great safer sex practices. It\u2019s important to own our fears related to intimacy and emotional connection.<\/p>\n
For Cay and her partner, their biggest challenge was needing to accept that while they care deeply about each other, they each had needs that were not being met and could not be met by the other. \u201cIt’s incredibly difficult to accept one’s own shortcomings, but it is instrumental in understanding any form of non-monogamy.\u201d<\/p>\n
You shouldn\u2019t let the potential challenges of non-monogamy put you off opening up your relationships. In fact, Powell believes that focussing on your fears when negotiating the boundaries of your new relationship can \u201cdrive you to make a lot of decisions and agree to a lot of things that you then are not going to feel good about.\u201d<\/p>\n
And that is the aim: to build a relationship you feel good about. Non-monogamy isn\u2019t a plaster you can stick over issues in your relationship, it\u2019s an entirely new relationship that requires work and care. It might not be easy, but it can be incredibly rewarding to create a relationship that works for you and your partner \u2013 or indeed your partners.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From negotiating terms to navigating sexual health, here\u2019s your expert-led guide to opening up WORDS BY QUINN RHODES HEADER BY YOSEF PHELAN More people than ever are experimenting with non-monogamy\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7519,"featured_media":345247,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"templates\/feature.php","format":"standard","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[19144,532,531],"tags":[18638,18632,19738,18647,644,18641,13944,18635,18644],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n
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<\/p>