{"id":1447599,"date":"2025-08-20T11:29:58","date_gmt":"2025-08-20T10:29:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.gaytimes.com\/?p=1447599"},"modified":"2025-08-20T11:37:50","modified_gmt":"2025-08-20T10:37:50","slug":"lgbtq-spaces-say-all-are-welcome-asian-men-know-better","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.gaytimes.com\/uncloseted\/lgbtq-spaces-say-all-are-welcome-asian-men-know-better\/","title":{"rendered":"LGBTQIA+ spaces say \u2018all are welcome’, but Asian men know better"},"content":{"rendered":"

From dating profiles that request \u201cNo Asians\u201d to racist comments in night clubs, the gay community doesn\u2019t feel inclusive for many Asian American men.<\/p>\n

WORDS BY JAKE ANGELO, UNCLOSETED MEDIA
\n<\/strong>PHOTO COURTESY OF CODY SEIYA
\n<\/strong>DESIGN BY SAM DONNDELINGER<\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/p>

Cody Seiya did not feel welcome in Provincetown.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that for yellow pride?\u201d a man sneered at Seiya in the middle of Ptown\u2019s tea dance, referring to a yellow bandanna he was wearing around his neck.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t the first time Seiya, a 33-year-old gay Asian American, had experienced racism from other queer men. Years earlier at Rage, a now-closed gay club in West Hollywood, another white man asked him what he was doing there.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not Gameboi night,\u201d the man said to him, referring to the Asian-themed weekly party the venue hosted.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat was really the first time that I really felt some sort of divide,\u201d Seiya told Uncloseted Media. \u201cWe\u2019re already such a marginalized community, and then to just marginalize even further; it was just really disappointing.\u201d<\/p>\n

Seiya\u2019s experience isn\u2019t unique. A 2022 report from The Trevor Project found that more than half of Asian American and Pacific Islander (AAPI) LGBTQIA+ youth reported discrimination based on their race and\/or ethnicity in 2021. And another study from the Williams Institute found that nearly one in five AAPI LGBTQIA+ adults do not feel safe in the U.S.<\/p>\n

This discrimination is a silent epidemic, according to Gene Lim, a researcher at the Australian Research Center for Sex, Health and Society.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s a lot of shame around experiencing sexual racism, on top of the fact that it\u2019s an inherently distressing situation,\u201d Lim told Uncloseted Media. \u201cThat congeals into a sense of isolation.\u201d<\/p>\n

Feelings of exclusion take a mental health toll: 40% of AAPI youth seriously considered suicide in the U.S. in 2021, and 16% attempted it.<\/p>\n

Seiya says he\u2019s carried those instances of racism with him and that they\u2019ve impacted his self-perception in queer spaces.<\/p>\n

\u201c[It gave] this sense of otherness and discomfort whenever I was in a predominantly white space. It\u2019s still something I deal with to this day.\u201d<\/p>\n

Danny Maiuri, a 41-year-old queer Korean American man, says he\u2019s conscious of his racial identity when he visits Fire Island, a popular gay vacation spot on Long Island, N.Y.<\/p>\n

\u201cI remember times just getting asked the really basic \u2018Where are you from?\u2019 And I just kind of explained, \u2018I live in New York,\u2019 and then you get the \u2018But like, were you born here?\u2019\u201dA Long History of Racism<\/p>\n

Racism toward Asian people has permeated American society since the first Chinese immigrants arrived in California in the 1800s.<\/p>\n

Sexual racism\u2014or discrimination in romantic partner selection\u2014is most common among men who have sex with men (MSM), according to Thomas Le, an assistant professor of psychology at Bryn Mawr College.<\/p>\n

\u201cA lot of what Asian American men report in the U.S. is some ostracization because of the elevation of white men, and masculinity and muscularity being prized,\u201d Le told Uncloseted Media.<\/p>\n

Lim says this fixation on whiteness stems from racialized hierarchies in queer spaces, where Eurocentric features are often favored over Asian features.<\/p>\n

\u201cAsian MSM [must] navigate a sexual field where the hierarchy of desire is really racialized,\u201d Lim told Uncloseted Media. \u201cAnd they can feel disadvantaged in a way that is insurmountable.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nineteenth-century immigration laws and cultural norms in the U.S. excluded Asian American men from participating in male-dominant professions like mining and field work. Instead, they assumed roles typically associated with women.<\/p>\n

This segregation fomented in the American mind an image of the Asian man as feminine and has translated into the racist stereotypes about body image and dating preferences of gay men.<\/p>\n

Asian men are often assumed to be bottoms or twinks or to have small penis sizes because of this emasculated image. And a 2011 analysis on race-based partner preferences among MSM found that Asian men were preferred by 12% of participants, a dramatic drop off from preferences for white and Black men, preferred by 52% and 48% of participants, respectively.<\/p>\n

\"\"

Photo by Cody Kinsfather<\/a><\/em><\/p><\/div>\n

Racist Stereotypes and the Media\u2019s White Beauty Standard<\/h3>\n

In American media, Hollywood has reproduced caricatures of Asian people for years. Long Duk Dong, the Asian character in \u201cSixteen Candles,\u201d was portrayed as sexually inept. Leslie Chow\u2019s diction in \u201cThe Hangover\u201d is heavily accented, and his nudity is the punchline of a joke with the implication that Asian men are sexually inferior.<\/p>\n

While media representations have shifted away from overtly racist caricatures, and have even centered queer Asian male relationships like in Boys\u2019 Love anime, the absence of Asian portrayals in the media and the abundance of white characters have shaped attraction among a generation of queer people.<\/p>\n

Le says white, muscular men dominated popular media and defined what it meant to be attractive through the 1990s and 2000s.<\/p>\n

\u201cRepresentation is really important \u2026 it has this really understated effect on the erotic habitus for a lot of queer men,\u201d says Lim, referring to the learned component of sexual desire. \u201cA lot of queer Asian men do grow up implicitly measuring themselves against a Eurocentric standard.\u201d<\/p>\n

This experience was a reality for Filipino American Kalaya\u2019an Mendoza in college.<\/p>\n

Growing up in a majority non-white neighborhood in San Jose, Calif., Mendoza had never compared himself with white people. But at UC Santa Barbara, a school where AAPI people composed less than one-fifth of the undergraduate student body, Mendoza remembers attempting to fit in by adhering to white beauty standards.<\/p>\n

\"\"

Photo courtesy of Seiya<\/em><\/p><\/div>\n

\u201c[I was] trying to be as American as possible and not to be seen as the other, not to be seen as a perpetual foreigner,\u201d Mendoza, now 46, told Uncloseted Media. \u201cNo matter how much I tried and no matter how many times I bleached my hair, no matter how many blue contacts I bought\u2014I would never be white.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI just remember feeling extremely depressed,\u201d he says. \u201cI almost dropped out.\u201d<\/p>\n

The pressure to assimilate to a white beauty standard is also ingrained in porn.<\/p>\n

\u201cPornography is generally one kind of common avenue for young queer men to explore sexuality,\u201d says Le. \u201cSome develop racialized attractions based on that.\u201d<\/p>\n

White actors are far more frequently cast in porn than actors of color. Because of that, many queer men hold white people as the beauty standard.<\/p>\n

This is what Mendoza discovered when he attempted to decolonize his dating preferences, which he describes as unlearning his racial biases shaped by colonialism. He says he questioned why he was so attracted to whiteness even though he grew up around people of color. \u201cA lot of that was, quite frankly, because of the sexualized media or the porn.\u201d<\/p>\n

Seiya says he has experienced racism working in the porn industry.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey just automatically assume that I am a bottom or submissive because I am Asian,\u201d he says. \u201cI just find it demoralizing and very limiting.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sex and Dating<\/h3>\n

When it comes to dating, queer Asian men often find it difficult to decipher if they are being seen for who they are or if they are being fetishized.<\/p>\n

Dating apps compound these effects. The design of most platforms are such that users must make quick judgments based on minimal information on a user\u2019s profile. Because of this, Lim says many users fall upon their prejudices.<\/p>\n

As a way to receive more matches or chats, some Asian men attempt to fit into stereotypes that paint them as effeminate, such as the \u201clady boy\u201d or the \u201cfemme boy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGay men do this all the time, they try to embody an archetype,\u201d says Lim. \u201cAnd an archetype is fertile ground for someone to project their own fantasies onto.\u201d<\/p>\n

Maiuri says he constantly questions whether his sexual interactions are shaped by his own desires or if he\u2019s assuming a role based on preconceived notions.<\/p>\n

\"\"

Photo by Cody Kinsfather<\/em><\/p><\/div>\n

He feels that many men assume that \u201call Asian men are bottoms and submissive,\u201d and he constantly asks himself, \u201cAm I fulfilling this role because this is what I actually enjoy? Or was this something that was just put on me and I\u2019ve adapted to?\u201d<\/p>\n

Although gay culture remains white-centric, there are signs of change.<\/p>\n

\u201cA lot of queer Asian American men actually are creating their own communities,\u201d says Le. \u201c[They\u2019re] really being intentional about finding a community with other queer men of color.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mendoza says that finding other queer people of color at college helped him to cultivate a positive self-image.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s why, quite frankly, I feel like I\u2019m alive today,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n

Maiuri says that while often criticized as a boogeyman of the mental health crisis, social media is actually having positive effects in facilitating connections between young men of similar experiences and slowly providing more examples of queer Asian men.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe good part of it has been that connection and kind of finding identity and finding examples online for some folks to find ways to navigate [their] identity,\u201d says Maiuri.<\/p>\n

Seiya has come a long way from that weekend in Provincetown. He recently returned to the gay vacation hotspot for its fifth annual Frolic Weekend, a queer men of color takeover event.
\n\u201cThat was really special to recontextualize the space for myself,\u201d Seiya says. \u201cWe deserve to take up space instead of shrinking ourselves.\u201d<\/p>\n

If objective, nonpartisan, rigorous, LGBTQIA+ focused journalism is important to you, please consider making a tax-deductible donation through our fiscal sponsor, Resource Impact, by clicking this button:<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Donate to Uncloseted Media<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

From dating profiles that request \u201cNo Asians\u201d to racist comments in night clubs, the gay community doesn\u2019t feel inclusive for many Asian American men. WORDS BY JAKE ANGELO, UNCLOSETED MEDIA\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7164,"featured_media":1448029,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"templates\/feature.php","format":"standard","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[531,206,20477],"tags":[21551,530,644,21548],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nLGBTQIA+ spaces say \u2018all are welcome', but Asian men know better<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"From dating profiles that request \u201cNo Asians\u201d to racism in night clubs, the gay community doesn\u2019t feel inclusive for many Asian American men.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.gaytimes.com\/uncloseted\/lgbtq-spaces-say-all-are-welcome-asian-men-know-better\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" 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