{"id":1435146,"date":"2025-06-02T22:45:38","date_gmt":"2025-06-02T21:45:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.gaytimes.com\/?p=1435146"},"modified":"2025-06-03T01:26:39","modified_gmt":"2025-06-03T00:26:39","slug":"gender-affirming-intimacy-trans-nonbinary","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.gaytimes.com\/love-sex\/gender-affirming-intimacy-trans-nonbinary\/","title":{"rendered":"How to have gender-affirming sex"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Therapists and members of the trans and non-binary community provide insight on how to decentre cisness during sex.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>WORDS BY <strong>KATIE BASKERVILLE<\/strong><br \/>\nHEADER VIA\u00a0<strong>UNSPLASH<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/www.gaytimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/02\/62cee986db61cb2c4cc12356_A20trans20couple20holding20hands-p-1600.jpeg\" \/><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Whether you&#8217;re cis, trans, non-conforming or fluid, we all have a lot of heteronormative, cis-centric bullshit to unpack: especially in the bedroom.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Part of anyone&#8217;s journey into queerness is unlearning the sexual shame and binary thinking that categorises so much of the dominant sexual script. From understanding that femmes can strap, to celebrating bottoming, sex can be liberatory and help us delve deeper into our identities.<\/p>\n<p>But when it comes to exploring sex as a trans, non-binary or gender diverse person, physical intimacy can be challenging \u2013 especially when cis partners, be they fetishising or exhaustingly earnest, are involved.<\/p>\n<p>If you&#8217;re looking for a handy guide to send to cis partners who don&#8217;t quite get it, you&#8217;ve found just the thing. If you are the cis partner who doesn&#8217;t quite get it, well, keep reading&#8230;<\/p>\n<h3>What do we mean by &#8216;gender-affirming&#8217; sex?<\/h3>\n<p>First, the obvious: everyone has a different experience of sex and erotic sensation. There is no &#8216;one size fits all&#8217; rule.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">How we enjoy sex and intimacy is deeply personal. But some (<em>not all<\/em>, remember that) trans and gender diverse people might experience some discomfort or gender dysphoria during physical intimacy, particularly when they are touched or addresses in a way which doesn&#8217;t honour their gender.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;During sexual intimacy, there is often a heightened focus on the body,&#8221; says Nikki Howes, <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">a trauma-informed, gender, sexuality and relationship diversity therapist<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.\u00a0<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Howes tell <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Gay Times<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> that, for some trans and non-binary people, sex and intimate touching can draw unwanted or uncomfortable attention to body parts, or sensations, that feel incongruent with their gender identity. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">They also add that sexual encounters may come with\u00a0 gendered assumptions and the risk of misgendering or binary language.\u00a0<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;A person may have internalised societal norms about what sex &#8216;should&#8217; look like, which are often rigid and exclusionary,&#8221; they say. &#8220;These norms can lead trans or non-binary individuals to feel shame for deviating from conventional expectations. There may also be pressure to perform in gendered ways during sex.&#8221;<\/span><\/p>\n<p>When we talk about &#8216;gender-affirming&#8217; sex, we mean sex that feels good: where your partner sees you for who you are, puts in the effort to learn what you like, and doesn&#8217;t fall back on irrelevant gendered scripts. Basically, it&#8217;s about getting rid of the assumption that cisness is the default and focussing on each individual&#8217;s needs and desires away from gendered scripts.<\/p>\n<p>Ready to discover more? Below, a range of therapists, sex educators and members of the community share advice on how to decentre cisness in sex.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>\"A person may have internalised societal norms about what sex 'should' look like, which are often rigid and exclusionary\"<\/p>\n<\/blockquote><h2 style=\"text-align: left;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Language Matters<\/span><\/h2>\n<p>How we refer to our partner&#8217;s bodies has a tremendous impact. <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;Reclaiming the language of sex, pleasure and body parts matters,&#8221; Sophie Litherland, a trans woman in her thirties, tells <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Gay Times. <\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;Yes, sometimes you need to be specific, but having cutesy little nicknames for things helps. One that springs to mind is girlcock,&#8221; she says.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Some people like Litherland might modify existing gendered terms while, on the other hand, some people will opt for gender neutral terms (i.e. front hole or back hole)<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Litherland explains how, for her, having someone compliment her breasts and ass can be an immensely gender affirming experience. These types of compliments<\/span> are known as \u201crelational gendering,\u201d where, during sex, a partner actively sees, names, and affirms someone&#8217;s gender expression through touch and words of affirmation.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Howes explains that the feeling of being desired, seen, and celebrated in your gender can offer a deep sense of validation. Using affirming language and engaging in touch that honours someone\u2019s gender expression shifts the experience from being solely about sensation to being gendered in a way that feels right for that person.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;In her book <em>Trans Sex<\/em>, Lucie Fielding explores how trans and non-binary people can navigate gender dysphoria during intimacy,&#8221; Howes explains. &#8220;She emphasises the importance of reclaiming language around gendered or medicalised body parts, encouraging the use of affirming nicknames or terms to support a more positive experience.&#8221;<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 style=\"text-align: left;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Learn what <em>feels good<\/em><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Try and forget what society (or free porn) told you about what is <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">supposed<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> to feel good by cis-hetero standards.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This requires stepping away from expectations and being intentional about where to touch, how to touch and, of course, what not to touch. But before the good part begins, find out what feels good for your partner.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;Everyone has a very different relationship to their body,&#8221; says Leanne Yau, a polyamory educator and creator under the social handle @<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/polyphiliablog\/?hl=en\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">polyphiliablog<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Yau points out that all kinds of people have ways of experiencing pleasure, or specific places that they like to be touched, in ways that may have absolutely nothing to do with gender. People who are not cis don&#8217;t need special treatment during sex but, rather, like everyone, deserve to experience respectful curiosity.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;I think sometimes, people can feel quite alienated if they feel like you&#8217;re giving them special treatment, especially with something as vulnerable as intimacy,&#8221; says Yau, &#8220;By asking questions that you would ask anyone else, that gives room to volunteer what they want to share, especially how it relates to gender.&#8221;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Questions you might want to ask your partner, according to Yau, could be as general as, &#8216;Where do you like to be touched?&#8217;, &#8216;Are there any places I should avoid?&#8217;, &#8216;What brings you pleasure?&#8217; <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;From experience, these are all good questions that would really help a non-binary person open up and share their idea of intimacy with you,&#8221; they say.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p>\"People can feel quite alienated if they feel like you're giving them special treatment, especially with something as vulnerable as intimacy\"<\/p>\n<\/blockquote><h2 style=\"text-align: left;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Be mindful and lose the assumptions<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Rhi Kemp-Davies, a Sex and Relationship Therapist at <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/sexandrelationshiptherapy.co.uk\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Sex and Relationship Therapy<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, explains that having a gender-affirming lover can lead to a greater sense of trust and comfort.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When a trans or non-binary person has a gender-affirming lover, they tend to feel more comfortable telling this person what they prefer their genitals to be called, and how they want their genitals to be touched,&#8221; they explain.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Pro tip: if you&#8217;re unsure of how a partner might want to be touched, or what they might call certain parts of their body, you can always broach the subject via <em>dirty talk<\/em>. Once you&#8217;ve established consent for a text or IRL convo of a spicy nature and you&#8217;re in a good flow, say one thing you&#8217;d like them to do to you and then ask, oh so sensually, what <em>they<\/em> want <em>you<\/em> to do to them. <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p>\"\"Penetrative sex is not the end goal of sex, and it is not the only real form of sex\"<\/p>\n<\/blockquote><h2 style=\"text-align: left;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8216;Normal&#8217; does not exist<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Howes explains that challenging cisnormative or heteronormative sexual scripts allows people to prioritise comfort and pleasure over performance. This is something that Yau also feels strongly about.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> &#8220;Penetrative sex is not the end goal of sex, and it is not the only real form of sex,&#8221; they point out.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Decentring genitalia and exploring other forms of connection, such as kink, touch, fantasy or sensory play, can broaden your pleasure horizons and open you up to new erotic sensations. This is otherwise known as &#8220;erotic mindfulness&#8221;, which describes being present and responsive to sensation, emotion and affirmation in real time.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;Focus on pleasure, not performance,&#8221; advises Howes. &#8220;Create space for your partner to show up as their full self and be open to using any affirming props or tools they may find helpful. Importantly, take initiative in educating yourself: listen to trans and non-binary voices, read widely, and don\u2019t rely on your partner to teach you everything.&#8221;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This is echoed by Litherland, who advises that a good partner will not be a selfish lover. (Good advice). &#8220;One of the difficulties I&#8217;ve found is that the selfish lovers are only there for their self-gratification. And if that&#8217;s the case, it&#8217;s just a bad sex life.&#8221;<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p>\"You must also appreciate that sex is often awkward and funny\"<\/p>\n<\/blockquote><h2 style=\"text-align: left;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Don&#8217;t take things too seriously<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It&#8217;s easy to feel overwhelmed by the thought of doing something wrong, but remember that sex, first and foremost, should be fun. Mistakes may happen, but that&#8217;s okay, so long as there is accountability and learning that takes place.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;You must also appreciate that sex is often awkward and funny,&#8221; smiles Litherland, &#8220;But it&#8217;s meant to be enjoyed, yes? And so I think,\u00a0 awkwardness can be, especially with a loving partner, can be diffused quite easily, embrace the humour!&#8221;\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2>Further reading<\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you&#8217;re still feeling unsure about where to begin with gender-affirming intimacy, then no fear, Kemp-Davis has you covered with some helpful reading suggestions.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;Some great places to start, are\u00a0 <em>Fucking Transwomen<\/em> by Mirra Bellweather and the book <em>Trans Sex For Adults<\/em>\u00a0by Kelvin Sparks. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Lucie Fielding&#8217;s book &#8216;<em>Trans Sex: Clinical Approaches to Trans Sexualities and Erotic Embodiments<\/em>&#8216; is aimed at therapists, but is full of wonderful information and exercise suggestions that anybody can try,&#8221; they suggest.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;I also highly recommend the books &#8216;<em>Rewriting the Rules<\/em>&#8216; by Meg-John Barker and &#8216;<em>Finally, Helpful Sex Advice!<\/em>&#8216; by Justin Hancock and Meg-John Barker.&#8221; <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Therapists and members of the trans and non-binary community provide insight on how to decentre cisness during sex.\u00a0 WORDS BY KATIE BASKERVILLE HEADER VIA\u00a0UNSPLASH Whether you&#8217;re cis, trans, non-conforming or\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7558,"featured_media":756519,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"templates\/feature.php","format":"standard","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[19144],"tags":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v21.6 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to have gender-affirming sex<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Is gender-affirming intimacy the antidote to disappointing fumbles and harmful encounters? 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